Loving, Losing, Coping, Moving On and Still Loving x

On the 5th November 2002 I lost one of the most important people in my life, my dad. If you've read my blog for sometime you'll know that I sometimes mention him on his birthday or the anniversary of his death but I've never really gone into any depth before. I don't think I'm really doing that here but who knows where this is leading. Writing this is the 4th November turns into the 5th I really miss him - losing my dad seemed to be the trigger for my life turning upside down, first there was the sadness and the inability to cope, and then there was the start of the illness nightmare, I was never going to win any awards for the healthiest person in the world but I was OK, just living a normal life and getting by, now well I'm surviving! I'm not going to lie I'm in a much better place than I was 9 years ago but those 9 years have been a steep learning curve, it's almost as if my life was placed in a huge blender, spun around and then spat it with some of the pieces missing, a very big piece as it happens.

My dad at my first graduation ceremony - he missed the second one by just 4 weeks something that saddens me to this day :( - he always preferred to be on the other side of the lens with his posh camera beside him so I don't have that many photographs of him - but I like this one despite the fact that he was in a suit and out of his comfort zone, and I'm digging the paisley tie despite the fact this was in 1999 :)

What can I say about him to someone who will never meet him, well he was commonly known as Big Les, he was well over 6ft tall, but don't let that fool you he was as good hearted and gentle as anyone could be, I guess one of his biggest faults was an inability to say no, if someone needed some new flooring put down, or a cabinet making he was there like a shot. Don't get me wrong when he did get angry you didn't want to be around him, that was rare though like I used to he bottled things up, he was a bit of a stress head if I'm being honest, everything worried him, even things he couldn't control, that's something I've inherited I guess. I've also inherited his enthusiasm be it for new jeans, new shoes, or even technology, he loved his hi-fi gear, his CK jeans, his Rockport Boots (before they became chavvy :) and his music. My mum doesn't get excited about things the way my dad did and I miss that. I know he was proud of me especially when I got my degrees, I just hope he's still proud of me, my life my not have gone the way any of us planned but I'm still trying to be best person that I can.

Like most people who have lost someone I often wonder what I would say to him now, at times over the years the words would have been angry, you were only 58 why did you leave me??? was a favourite but I guess it would be something I say in my head to him all the time I Love You And I Always Will x
Maybe that sums this post up really I'm sorry it's been a bit of a ramble but I guess what I really want to say is that time isn't really healer, all it does is teach you how to cope with you loss, and after 9 years I really hope I''m getting there - I found this poem on a blog a while ago - I'm sorry I can't remember whose it was and it just says what I'm trying to I guess - I've taken the text from here x

He Is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins 1981

Silloth, Cumbria, UK

If you've stayed with this post until the end thank you so much for reading, and normal posting will resume soon - RIP Dad xxx